I had this niggling situation and it kept reappearing like magic! It goes something like this:
• I have an issue
• I sit with it and see how much it affects me
• Accept what has happened
• I decide whether it should go to the keeper or important enough to say something
• If it is important, I will script this before I talk to someone using appropriate feedback
• I bring it up with the person
Now here is the thing. I felt expressing how I was feeling, the impact the behaviour had on me, the facts about the situation and what I was wanting in the future would have a response of at least an ‘OK let’s have a look at this’. I wasn’t expecting reactions such as defensiveness, fogging (changing the subject to avoid), anger and the odd shoulder shrug. So even though I named ‘it’ and used all of the ‘I’ language the approach was not working for me.
Then presto, I came across Esther Perel, someone that specialises in tough conversations. Esther suggested that a lot of conversations are shaped by who listens. Are they receptive? Open? Do they thank you for the insight or do they feel that you are ‘picking on them’ or being selfish.
Esther concludes that if the above is the case then before bringing up a situation a different conversation needs to be introduced. How happy was I when I tried this and it actually worked and I could see some progress! It went something like this.
I have noticed that there are times when I experience something and when I share this with you that you are not opened to listening or discussing this with me. Instead you respond with a counter attack or agree and continue doing it anyway. I feel I am being ignored and not valued. How can we move forward on this? Once we were able to get this out into the open then we could move back to the conversations around what doesn’t work for me and how we can move forward on that.
Feedback comes in all shapes and sizes and one thing that I need to remember is that it is important to look at the good stuff as well as the niggling problems. Thanking someone for a great job or what you appreciate is also as important and makes everyone feel good.
How do you successfully deal with situations that need dealing with? Does everything go to the keeper? Who do you have these conversations with? Have you tried talking to someone or do you avoid and ruminate about the situation?